This is it.

It’s true what they say: high school flies by so fast. It still has not fully hit me that it is almost over.

For so long I waited to be a senior; my last Friday night football game is one memory that I will hold close to me forever. The drum line, the dancing, the people, the smiles and laughter. They were all so authentic. All of us chanting “one more time” to the drum line in hopes of it never having to end.

I thought to myself in that moment, “This it it.”

There are so many lasts that are escaping from me all to quickly. It comes and goes, and all we are left with are the memories. The memory of you dancing like you have never danced before with the people who have stood by you for years. And it sucks not knowing if there will be any more after that.

It is scary not knowing. It is crazy to think that in three years or so, some will be engaged, and then married, and then forget about your existence completely.

I have not fully accepted that I have been to my last high school pep rally and my last home football game where everything felt so right in the world. They are all just memories now. Just pictures that bring upon a smile and a tear every time I look at them.

This is it.

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The Just Because Hugs.

I suppose that we all go through periods of feeling unappreciated; however, I feel that I go through them more than I should. I guess the feeling derives from not feeling loved enough though I know I am; I just can’t feel it.

But today reminded me of that love and appreciation I don’t feel as often as I use to.

A good friend came up to me, and like anybody else would, I went in for a high five, but he went in for a hug. It was a hug I was not expecting; it was a strong hug, and it took me by surprise to say the least. It was nice. I suppose that was the appreciation and love I have been looking for. In that moment, I realized that it had been right in front of me the whole time, and I neglected to notice it. Maybe I am not the sole focus of his affection, but the appreciation is there. The little sign of “you are loved” was there.

That hug was God-sent. In the midst of my crazy life, sorting out drama, and feeling highly unappreciated as I so often do, a hug put me all back together again. Things were put back into perspective. It is nice to get a hug every once in a while for no reason at all. The just because hugs. Those are the best.

discovering happiness.

Sadness has always been something that has lingered with me since my freshman year of high school; I had come to the conclusion that I would never find love or happiness in any form. However, coming up on my junior year in high school, I was lucky enough to stumble upon some lifelong friends.

There is such a sweet moment in my life that I feel is necessary to share:

One night we were driving down the road, listening to our favorite song. I looked around at all of them, laughing until they were crying, hair in the wind, wide smiles on their faces, and I thought to myself: this. this is happiness.

I came to the conclusion that they were happiness, they were family. They made me feel loved, and they made me forget about my troubles for a while. I realized that love and happiness do not come from what people can see on the outside. It is  not something that can simply be captured in a picture.

It is a phone call when you are crying hysterically by yourself on the side of the road. It’s a hug. It’s laughter. It’s a smile. It is your friends showing up at your house unexpectedly to keep you company for no reason at all. Love is not an obligation. It is your friends staying with you even when you want to be left alone to cry. It’s the sincere, “I’m proud of you” after a big accomplishment. It is priorities and an unexpected change in plans. It is just being there for moral support.

I never thought I would find love and happiness. But I found it in the eyes of great friends. And I would not want it any other way.